


The Kids

by bleak_midwinter



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 23:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12119229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bleak_midwinter/pseuds/bleak_midwinter
Summary: When John returns drunk after a few days away for business, he finds his wife run ragged by his kids.  And when she spots a clue as to exactly what's gone on while he's been away, their relationship changes for the worst.





	The Kids

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from my Tumblr account: peaky_yamyam
> 
> Prompt request: “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”

John’s been gone for days, along with Arthur and Tommy, so God only knows where they are or what they’re doing. The kids are going mad, screaming for John at all hours of the morning when they awake from a dream he’s off at war again, and I try, but my vague assurances that he’ll “be back soon” fall on deaf ears. I don’t know any more information to tell them and I can’t bring myself to lie; they’ve already been through enough without me promising things I don’t know I can keep.

I’ve just managed to get the older two to bed, although I don’t think they’re asleep yet - both of them having conspired to stay awake as long as they can each night in case John comes home - but after a particularly nasty bout of tears and tantrums they’re finally quiet and calm, and I’m classing that as a victory. But the youngest two are still awake. Katie’s clinging to my night dress, still mumbling shaky pleas for her dad long after the other’s have quietened down, and her brother is sat on the sofa eyes fixed on the front door, trying desperately to keep them open, but without the energy to cry anymore.

“Bill, please go to bed. I know you’re tired,” I urge, “you can kip in with Jack and Marcy, I’m sure they won’t mind-” I walk over to him and crouch on the floor, Katie still latched onto me, “I’ll let you take some biscuits up with you?”

“We ain’t got none left,” he informs me before looking back at the door, “and you said dad would be back soon.”

At the mention of the ‘d’ word Katie perks back up, renowned energy to restart her wailing, and I go back to jigging up and down.

“Look at the clock,” I tell Billy over Katie’s cries, “what’s the big hand pointing at?”

“Umm, the…” Despite hours of practicing, numbers are still not his forte.

“The twelve, and what’s the little hand pointing at?”

“The two.”

“Well done, can you remember what that means?”

He stares at me blankly, dark circles under his eyes marring his otherwise porcelain skin.

“That means it’s two o’clock in the morning, and that means everyone is in bed asleep. Including your dad. He’s not coming back tonight because he’s asleep, so that means you can go to sleep as well, and in the morning you can come straight back here and watch the door for him.” He carries on staring at me and I know it’s because he’s too tired to do anything else. “How about I’ll wait here, and if your dad comes back, I’ll wake you up first?”

I almost think he’s going to agree- he glances at the stairs for the briefest moment - but it’s over too soon.

“No, I’ll stay here, you said dad will be back soon.”

“BUT NOT TONIGHT!” I shout.

Everything goes quiet for a long second before Billy and Katie both burst into tears. I take a second to compose myself, repeating over and over that getting angry won’t help, before sitting myself next to Billy and pulling him into my side. I rock them both without a word, hoping that they’ll succumb to exhaustion soon.

I must doze off myself because when I open my eyes again it’s half past three and there’s silence throughout the house, a sound so blissful I almost burst into tears myself. I savour it for a few moments before carrying Billy and Katie off to bed and laying my head on my own pillow, ready to wake in a few hours for work.

My eyes have only just fluttered closed though when I hear someone at the front door. I fly down the stairs ready to pound whoever it is into the pavement outside for possibly waking the kids, when I’m greeted by John.

“Hey!” he calls, arms open with a smile plastered on his face. I can smell the booze on him from here and he’s wobbling just trying to stand still.

“Where the  _ fuck  _ have you been?” I hiss, “in fact, don’t bother. Just be quiet, the kids have just gone to sleep.” I’m too tired to be angry at him at the moment, I’m just glad he’s back so I can get some sleep.

He doesn’t listen and crashes over to the bottle of whiskey that’s sitting on the side, pouring himself a glass.

“Miss me?” he calls over his shoulder.

“John please, the kids haven’t all been asleep at the same time since you left. They’ve run me fucking ragged.”

He stumbles over to me and laughs, pulling me close to him so our foreheads are touching.

“Now… now you know I felt before I married  _ you. _ ” He taps the end of my nose playfully when he says it, but as he pulls away I notice a red stain on his collar that looks suspiciously like lipstick.

“So, where have you been?” I pry.

“Away…” he answers with a wave of his hand.

“I fucking know that John,  _ where  _ away?”

“Does it matter?”

His words are slurring now, the last whiskey he downed taking effect.

“Yes it matters! What’s Tommy made you do?”

“Tommy! Tommy doesn’t  _ make _ me do anything.” He pours himself another drink and downs it again. “I do wha’ I want!”

“Where have you been then? Somewhere nice? Looks like you had some good company,” I spit sarcastically, pointing to his collar.

He grasps at it messily, trying to focus so he can see what I’m gesturing at. When he realises what’s on his collar he rubs at it in a feeble attempt to erase it.

“Juss, leave it,” he says.

“Just leave it? Just leave it! John, you disappeared for days and left me with the kids. I didn’t have a clue when you’d be coming back,  _ if  _ you’d be coming back. Jack convinced himself you’d gone back off to war! They’ve been distraught, crying after you all night and day!” I can’t stop now, I don’t even want to give him the chance to redeem himself although I can see that it kills him to know he’s upset his kids. “But so long as you had a nice time with brothers and your whores, well I should ‘just leave it’.”

He makes a beeline for the stairs, but stumbles over various bits of furniture on his way.

“Where are you going now John?”

“To see my fuckin’ kids.”

“They’re asleep. For the first time since you left, they’re actually all asleep. And they’re desperate for it John, so you are  _ not _ going up there to wake them in that-” I wave at him as he struggles to keep himself standing, “- that state. The least you can do is let them sleep for a few hours after what you’ve done.”

I can see him clenching his jaw as he looks at the floor and I think he’s going to listen to me until he turns, steadies himself and points at me.

“They’re not your kids, back the fuck off,” he says punctuating each word before taking off up the stairs.

I should put up more of a fight, but I’m exhausted; physically and mentally. The kids will be over the moon to see him and I know there’s nothing I can say or do that’s going to stop him going up those stairs, so I let him go. I grab my coat and slip my shoes on before stepping out the door, tears I didn’t know I was holding back now rolling freely down my face.

I somehow end up at Polly’s. She’s not over the moon to see me at just gone four in the morning, but she lets me in anyway. I’ve been crying the whole way here and I know I must look a state, but Polly ushers me in and points to the kitchen table.

“Sit. Kids doing your head in?” she asks, putting the kettle on the stove.

I know she’s judging me and I know she’s preparing her “I basically raised the boys myself when their father left  _ and _ ran a business when they went to war” speech that I’ve heard every time I’ve so much as hinted that the kids can be hard work.

I shake my head. “Kids are fine.”

“Then what is it?”

The tears I’d managed to control start up again and I explain things to Polly as best I can through heavy sobs. She cuddles me, a gesture I never thought I’d get from her, and makes me up a bed.

“I’ll let work know you won’t be in. Just take a day in bed, get yourself sorted and then you can tackle this with a clear head,” she says, drawing the curtains. “And I won’t tell John you’re here.”

I nod my thanks to her, my eyes already closing and I’m practically asleep before she even closes the door.

——————————–

I sleep until gone noon and hide out at Polly’s for the rest of the day. When it gets to the evening though, I still can’t face the thought of going home, so she lets me stop another night and when I wake up in the next morning Ada is already downstairs.

“Morning sleepyhead. Pol told me what’s gone on, don’t worry about explaining. How you feeling?”

“Better now I’ve had a proper night’s sleep. Has Polly managed to check on John and the kids yet?” I ask.

“They’re fine,” Polly declares, flouncing into the room, “don’t know why you couldn’t have gone round there…”

“Pol, stop,” Ada urges.

“You know what John’s like, I don’t know why you were surprised,” Polly continues, flitting about in the kitchen preparing breakfast for us all.

“Pol!”

“No Ada, Polly’s right. I just… I love those kids so much and it hurt that he’d say that. The cheating I can deal with, sort of. I don’t know Polly… I’m just so tired at the moment. The kids completely ran me ragged while he was away, I’ve been all over the place and the worry of it all’s made me sick, I just needed the chance to sleep.”

She looks at me with a small smile.

“No need to rush, rest up while you can,” she says.

I want to question her but when she puts a sandwich in front of me the thought of eating it makes my stomach turn and I have to run to the bathroom to throw up.

When I return to the kitchen, Polly and Ada are sat close together and it looks like they’ve been whispering about me.

“What’s going on?” I ask, taking my seat again.

“I’m just wondering how long you’ve been throwing up like that for?” Polly asks, trying to be as nonchalant as she can but I can see in her eyes that she’s got a motive behind her question other than checking on my health.

“Umm, since John went away, like I said the worry made me sick,” I answer. Although if I think about it, it started a while before that.

“The worry?” Polly asks.

“Yes, the worry and the stress,” I repeat.

“Oh for god’s sake, she’s trying to work out if you’re pregnant,” Ada sighs.

“Pregnant?”

“Well when was your last period?” Ada asks.

Polly leans back with a cigarette while I try and work it out. It doesn’t bode well that I can’t remember…

“What’s the date today?” I mumble.

“25th,” Ada answers.

“Well it was around the 15th… of February.”

“It’s bloody June now!” Ada shouts, “and you’re telling me you’ve not had an inkling of anything before now?”

“Well, maybe my clothes haven’t fit as well, but you can’t say anything!” I retort. “There’s just been a lot going on, and… and… fuck.”

Polly’s still sat with smoking, watching it all unfold.

“I had a feeling you were when you walked in the other day, I could sense it,” she says.

Ada laughs, and I would normally find Polly’s adamant declaration funny, but my thoughts are swirling and all I can think of is how I’m going to tell John; with the amount he moans about how much work four kids are, I can’t imagine he’s going to be over the moon he’s now got to provide for five.

My worry must show on my face because Ada places a gentle hand on my arm.

“It’ll be fine.”

“Easy for you to say, you’ve not seen the kids when they’re on one. What happens if John’s not happy about it?”

“If John’s not happy about what?”

He must have snuck in because none of us heard him.

“Umm,” Ada falters, looking to Polly who just shrugs and looks to me.

“I umm…”

“Someone needs to tell me what’s fucking going on,” John demands.

“Let’s go in here,” I say, placing my hand on John’s arm to maneuver him into the living room.

“We need to talk,” we both say at the same time.

“You first,” I tell John, not quite ready to tell him my news.

There’s an awkward silence hanging in the air as John paces in front of me.

“The kids have been asking for you since they woke up, they’re missing you. And tearing the place apart because of it,” he says eventually. “God, they’re a fucking nightmare. I’m either running after them when I’m at home or I’m worried sick about you all when I’m not there.” He runs a hand through his hair and lets out a sigh that sounds like he wants it to be a laugh. “Don’t know why I ever had more than one, ey?”

“I’m pregnant.”

The words fall from my mouth before I can stop them and John freezes.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“How far gone?”

“About 4 months. I think, I haven’t had the chance to work everything out properly, but…”

John’s at the door before I can finish.

“Where are you going?” I ask, but I’m hardly surprised at his reaction.

His hand lingers on the doorknob, and for a second I think he’s just going to walk out.

“I just… I need to go out. I’ve - umm, I’ve got Finn watching the kids… Stay here for a bit longer.”

And with that he disappears out the door.  As soon as it latches to, Polly bursts through from the kitchen and pulls me into a tight hug, stroking my hair and whispering that everything will be alright, but she hardly sounds convinced herself.

——————————–

John doesn’t come back that night, so Polly goes to get Finn and the kids and brings them all to hers. It’s crowded but with everyone looked after I can take some time to think about things.

“What you gonna do?” Ada asks.

“Dunno…”

“Want me to slap some sense into him?”

“I honestly don’t think that would do anything.”

Ada leans across the table and takes my hand.

“I know he’s my brother, but-” she glances around to make sure there’s no kids about “-he’s an absolute fucker. What kind of person walks out after their wife tells them they’re pregnant, I can’t even-”

“Alright, Ada,” I interrupt, hoping to catch her anger before it boils over.

“Well my point is, he may be my brother, but you’re my sister-in-law and I love you. You get to be happy too… so. Yeah…” She pats my hand before dropping it. “You’ll always be a Shelby no matter what happens. Pol agrees don’t you?” she adds, nodding over my shoulder to where Polly stands, arms crossed obviously having listened in to our conversation.

“Nice that you’ve been talking about me,” I say with a forced smile.

“Mine and Ada’s conversations are the only reason you’re not piecing John back together out of a ditch,  _ believe _ me,” Polly says, putting yet another pot of tea on for me. “Speak of the devil,” she says.

I whip around to see John leant against the door frame.

“Hi,” he mumbles.

“Hi.”

“We’ll leave you to it then,” Polly says grabbing Ada’s arm and pulling her from the kitchen.

John watches them go and as soon as we’re alone he pulls a chair close to me.

“I’m so so sorry, I shouldn’t have walked out. I shouldn’t have left you and the kids without telling you what was going on, I shouldn’t have, with… umm, yeah. I shouldn’t have done any of it but-”

“But Tommy?” I interrupt.

“Yeah… Things are just a bit crazy now…” he says, taking my hand, but I can’t bring myself to hold it.

“So why did you walk out the other day and not come back until now? Because Tommy sure as shit didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“My head’s all over the place, I can barely look after you and the kids I’ve already got and with everything that happened I just… I don’t know… I didn’t know what to do.”

I take my hand from him and walk to the stove to pour us two cups of tea, just for something to occupy my hands with. “You didn’t know what to do?”

“I’m sorry, you’ve got to believe that. I love our family more than anything, I love  _ you _ .”

I can’t help but snort out a laugh. “So you vanish for days, come back drunk after cheating, push me away from the kids, leave me at Polly’s for two days and then vanish again when I tell you I’m pregnant. But that’s all okay, because you’re sorry and you love me?”

He stares down at the cup I’ve put in front of him, but doesn’t touch it.

“I am sorry… You can’t even look at me can you?” he asks quietly.

I hadn’t realised I’d been avoiding eye contact until now, but as hard as I try I can’t keep my gaze on him without tears prickling at the surface.

“What did you expect John? That you could show up when you wanted and it’d all go back to normal? I’m hurt and upset and angry! Things aren’t just going to be fixed because you’ve apologised. You fucking  _ cheated _ on me!”

He winces at my words, but I can’t stop now.

“I thought that was the least of the issues but it’s not. John, I can’t even fucking look at you without picturing you with someone else. And when you left the other day, I couldn’t help but think that you were going to someone else… That’s what it’s going to be now isn’t it? Every time you walk out the door I’m going to wonder who you’re sleeping with…”

“Fuck,” he whispers, running his hand roughly through his hair. “It’s just part of the business, sometimes shit like that has to happen to keep things running-”

“Sometimes? As in this has happened before?”

John’s on his feet and in front of me in a second.

“What do you need me to do?” He takes my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Just tell me what you need me to do to fix this and I’ll do it. I need you, I need us to go back to normal.”

I think about it for a second, debate whether we can ever go back to normal, but the tears in his eyes makes me want to at least try.

“Stop the work with Tommy,” I say. “There’ll be no more disappearing, and we can start working on building back the trust.”

Everything goes quiet for a second while he considers it, but then he shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t do that… Just a year or so more and then we’ll be set, I promise. We’ll move, wherever you want, as far away as you want, just us and the kids. But I can’t stop, not yet.” I think he already knows what that means because he’s holding onto me like he’s worried I’m going to bolt out the door this second. “Please,” he begs.

I can’t speak, scared the painful lump in my throat will strangle any noise that tries to leave, so I just shake my head.

“What now?” John asks.

I shake my head again.

“Where will you go?”

Another shake.

“You can’t just go! You’re pregnant with my child! You’re my wife, unless we’re going to get a fucking divorce?”

“ _ You _ don’t get to be angry at  _ me _ , John! Look, I don’t have anywhere else to go, I don’t  _ want _ to go anywhere else. This is my home, and as much as you like to remind me otherwise, I love your kids like my own, so I’m not just going to up and leave them. I just… I can’t do this.”

John leans his forehead against mine and takes my hands gently.

“Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?” he asks.

“I’m sure.”

“I’ve fucked this up haven’t I?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll umm… I’ll go. Do you…  _ fuck _ . Do you want me to bring your stuff here?”

I almost say no, that I’ll go back with him and pretend none of this ever happened, but Ada’s words echo round my mind and I stay strong.

“I’m sure Polly will get it all for me.”

John nods slowly and heads for the door, but before he leaves he turns back and wrings his hat in his hands.

“I do love you.”

“I know John, but it’s not enough.” 

——————————–

Before I’ve even had a real chance to process what’s happened with me and John, Tommy’s told me he needs to see him.

“How are you?” he asks, pulling a chair out for me and gesturing for me to sit.

I raise my eyebrows in answer, not justifying his stupid question with a response.

“Polly tells me everything’s been confirmed and is going well with the baby?”

“Yeah…”

“Well I won’t skirt around why I asked you here. I’ve had these papers drawn up,” he explains, sliding a few sheets across the desk towards me.

It takes me a minute to process what I’m looking at.

“Divorce papers?” Tommy nods and flicks to a page with John’s signature on it. “Signed divorce papers… on the grounds of adultery,” I say, reading more carefully through the paper.

“You don’t need to sign it, you don’t need to do anything with it if you don’t want to, burn it, frame it, I don’t care.  _ But _ if a divorce is what you want, then John’s not going to stop you.”

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, unable to tear my eyes away from John’s signature on the paper. I run my finger over it slowly, just to make sure that it’s actually real.

“Don’t get me wrong, John didn’t want to sign it,” Tommy adds, noticing my reservations. “And this gesture isn’t an admission that he wants to divorce, but from what I understand, John fucked up and you should be able to make whatever choice you want about the future of your relationship.”

“Do you want me out of this family?”

“Not at all,” Tommy replies, shaking his head. “In fact, that would be the worst outcome of this, but I respect you, you’re my sister-in-law, and you deserve to be happy. So… you want to leave, then we’ll make it as easy for you as we can.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what I want, but this,” I say, tapping the papers in front of me, “this isn’t it. I don’t want to get divorced, but I- I can’t, I don’t know Tommy,” I babble trying to take deep breaths to keep from crying.

“Okay,” is all he replies, sliding the papers back towards him, but I notice he doesn’t discard them, just places them gently by a big stack of files and folders next to him and lights a cigarette.

For a moment the only sound in the room is the ticking of the large clock behind me.

“What do I do now Tommy?” I finally say, the oppressive silence too much for me to bear.

“Whatever you want.”

“I’m nearly five months pregnant and I don’t even have anywhere to live,” I say with a scoff.

Tommy reaches into his pocket and throws a key towards me, I catch it and turn it over in my hand a few times.

“What is this?” I ask.

“A place to live, just down the road from John - but not close enough that you’ll have to have anything to do with him if you don’t want to.”

“Thank you Tommy,” I mumble, gripping the key tightly and running a hand across my steadily swelling stomach.

“We’ll get all your things moved, just take things easy, alright?”

“Yes, Tommy,” I reply with a nod, pushing myself up and leaving his office without another word, ready to head back to Polly’s for another episode of hysterical tears.

——————————–

John’s asked if I can look after the kids for a night. His work with Tommy has slowed down considerably, but he still leaves for nights at time, a constant reminder that things between us can’t change yet.

“Bill, quick come here!” I call, waving Billy over to the sofa and directing his hand onto my stomach. “Feel that?”

He jumps as the baby kicks where his hand rests and smiles.

“That’s your baby brother or sister in there,” I explain.

“Why can’t we see them yet?” he asks, poking at my now still belly.

“Well they’re not ready to come out yet,” I answer gently moving his fingers away.

“When’s their birthday gunna be?”

“I’m not sure, hopefully next month though.”

Billy’s face drops, “But my birthday’s next month. I don’t want to share my birthday!”

“You won’t have to, the baby probably won’t be born on the same day and even if it is it’ll still be your birthday won’t it? You won’t have to share any presents, and just think… they’ll be  _ loads _ of cake!”

Billy smiles and settles back on the sofa.

“Where will the baby live?” he asks innocently, his hands occupied with fiddling with the hem of his shirt. And although it shouldn’t, it hits me completely out of the blue.

“W… what?” I stutter.

“Will it live with us and daddy or will it have to live with you? Because I want it to be here with us.”

“Umm… The baby’ll have to live with me, but you can see it wh-”

“I want you to come back,” he mumbles, his bottom lip beginning to protrude.

“Oh Bill, come here,” I say pulling him close to my side and brushing his hair from his face. “You know I love you and your brother and sisters-”

“And daddy?” he interrupts, pulling away to look at me.

“Oh, umm…”

I don’t know how to answer him, I don’t even know what the answer is and I flounder for a response. Luckily I’m saved by John sneaking back through the door.

“Daddy!,” Billy cries, running towards him. John scoops him up in a tight hug and presses a kiss to his forehead before placing him back on the floor.

“What are you still doing up Little Man?” he says, ruffling Billy’s hair.

“Refused to sleep until you were back didn’t he? Figured I’d save the fight and just let him sit with me for a bit,” I explain, struggling as I try to get off the sofa.

“Well, I’m back now. So off to bed you,” John orders.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Billy asks me, peeling himself from John’s leg. He looks so sad that I can’t bring myself to reply.

“Not tomorrow Bill, but I’ll be here all day so we can go and see Uncle Tom’s horses, how about that?” John answers for me.

Billy smiles and hurries off the bed.

“Thank you John.”

He gestures into the kitchen and pulls out a chair from the table, holding it steady as I carefully lower myself into it. “You’re getting really big now,” he mumbles, nodding at my belly. “I mean, you look amazing, as always, just… it’s been awhile since I saw you and, well… How were the kids?” he says, changing the subject.

“They were fine, Billy’s fascinated with the baby… He, umm, he was asking where it was going to live.”

“Well… Where is the baby going to live?”

“With me,” I murmur, parroting my response from earlier.

“And where’s that going to be?” John asks softly.

“At my house…”

John lets out a deep sigh and throws his hat on the counter next to him, “Am being an idiot to keep holding out hope that you’re going to come back? Tommy says you haven’t mentioned the divorce papers since he showed you them, so you don’t want that. But what do you want? You miss the kids, I  _ know _ you do, I can see it when you’re with them. You still love them and you love that baby, I just need to know if you still love me.” He pauses, his final words choked slightly as he tries to hold back tears.

I fiddle with the chewed skin around my nails, frustrated with myself that even after all this time I can’t give John -or anyone- an answer to the question  _ ‘what do you want to do?’ _

“I don’t know what I want John,” I admit, dropping my hands to my lap.

“I don’t need to know what you want, I don’t need you to decide now, I just need to know if you still love me,” he replies, pulling a chair close to mine and taking my hand in his. “So, do you love me?”

I watch as he absently runs a finger around the wedding ring I’ve been unable to take off and I know my answer.

“Yes,” I whisper, unable to force anything louder from my tight throat, “but-”

“I know, I know while ever I’m still working for Tommy nothing will change, but there’s an end in sight. By Christmas, I’ll be out of it, I promise. Just please don’t give up on me yet… Don’t give up on us yet.”

I nod again, still not trusting my voice. John smiles and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear, letting his fingers linger of my skin for a few seconds before shifting himself to stand.

“Wait, wait,” I shout as I feel the baby begin to move. I grab John’s hand and lay it flat against my stomach, right on the spot where the baby kicks.

“It’s such a fidget,” I explain as the baby kicks some more.

John smiles and tickles the bump that the baby’s foot is making and I realise this is the first time he’s been around when it’s moved. I see him start to fill up as the baby moves and it’s foot vanishes.

“By Christmas, I promise, and then we can work towards being a family again” he says, cupping my cheek with his hand.

I nod, “by Christmas…”


End file.
